A Tale of Two Sundays

Today has been a day of contrasts.

This morning we were steeling ourselves for 4 hours of stuffing leaflets into letter boxes in Portsmouth. It is Slimming World’s end of summer promotion, and Michelle had arranged for me, the kids and some of their friends to carpet bomb the letter boxes of Copnor with leaflets advertising her Slimming World sessions. Unfortunately the weather thought differently; it was bogging it down this morning in Pompey, interspersed with slightly less damp periods. I don’t mind being out in the rain; after all there are many types of foul weather clothing which will keep one dry. The problem is the leaflets. It doesn’t matter how you store them, at some point they will be required to be exposed to the elements and in ‘standard British bogging it down’ weather they get wet very quickly. Some people don’t like ‘junk’ mail coming through their letter box and indeed they put up notices informing itinerant leaflet and newspaper posters of this point of view. Others don’t mind and will either have a look or just put them into the recycling bin. I think that most people, however, would object to wet papier maché being deposited on their hall carpet.

We waited an hour but the weather didn’t let up, so we came home again. Leafleting was postponed until tomorrow.

This left me at somewhat of a loose end. I watched the British Touring Car championship racing and a bit of golf. After lunch the weather started to pick up and, eventually, at about 3.30 I went off to play golf.

When I arrived the sky was mainly blue with a few fluffy white clouds and a fine afternoon’s golfing was in store. Apparently. Unfortunately nobody told my inner golfer and he proceeded to play in Maurice Flitcroft mode.

I shot 11 on the first hole. The second was better with a 7 but the third was a complete disaster; a lost ball from the tee. The next tee shot went straight into the bunker in front of the green. I say bunker; it looked more like Langstone Harbour when the tide had just gone out. I improved slightly on the fourth but reverted to type on the next 2 holes.

 I sort of improved again over the next few holes even managing a one over par 5 on the eleventh. Coming up next was my nemesis hole, the twelfth. Normally I score 9 or over on this hole, but on Thursday I managed a 5. Today, the tee shot went straight but not too far and into the first cut rough. My second only went about 100 yards. I practiced the next shot many times as I waited for the green to clear. I was over 150 yards out. The ball flew up into the air exactly where I aimed it and came to rest 4 feet from the hole. I was on the green for 3! This had never happened before. I had a simple putt to par the hole. I lined up the shot; the green appeared to show a left to right bias so I aimed slightly left. The ball rolled towards the hole with perfect weight and turned left to right as predicted, and then sat there to the right of the hole, right on the edge mocking me. A monstrous laugh seemed to emanate from each of its little white dimples; a cacophony of evil mockery. Bastard! Still, another 5 on this hole was good and I felt like Jeff from the Money Supermarket ad on the telly.

I finished my round on the par 3 thirteenth with a 5. The shock of the previous hole had gone to my head and I took 4 putts. I now felt like Jeff after he asked his wife if she had seen him surfing.

Tomorrow is leafleting; unfortunately the weather looks like it’ll be ok. There may be good news; however, I should get my car back. With any luck I might also get a reply to one of the 11 jobs I’ve applied for; and the Fairway Fairies will help me go round in under 80.

The wait is over.

Golf at last!

Tonight Ross and I managed to get out and play 7 holes. It was a beautiful evening; not a cloud in the sky and the sunset was magnificent.

The golf was pretty good too; I only duffed up 2 of the holes. We started on the ninth and I should have got a par but 2 putted for a 4. The tenth was a disaster hole; I hit the tee shot into the rough on the right and had to play a chip onto the eleventh to be able to play back onto the correct hole. I scored a 10 in the end! The eleventh wasn’t too bad; 6 shots for a net par 4. The next hole is the one I fear the most. This is the hole I am lucky to keep in single figures. If ever there was a bogey hole it’s this one. We were about to start the twelfth hole! Normally I hit the ball from the tee so it ends up in the long rough or trees on the right. Tonight I aimed slightly left and it went slightly left ending about 185 yards from the green in the first cut of rough. I had hit my tee shot 230 yards, and the second shot was playable and in sight of the green! I practiced a few shots with my 5 wood and hit the ball. This was my best shot of the day; the ball pitched on the green behind a slight rise, so I didn’t see where it ended up. Ross was about the same distance out as me, but his second shot didn’t go quite as far, ending up just on the edge of a bunker next to the green. This was a tricky shot, pulled of magnificently leaving him a longish put for the par. Unfortunately he took 2 putts to finish off. Meanwhile my ball had run off the green into some rough. I chipped it onto the green, but had hit it a little too hard; the ball rolled about 5 feet past the hole going only a couple of inches wide. I also 2 putted to finish on a 5. This was my best score on this hole by a long way. This should help me next time I play this hole; I now know I can play well on it.

We both made par on the short thirteenth. As the light was fading we decided to play the first and come back down the eighth to finish. I really didn’t play the first well at all; I ended on a 9. Unfortunately a couple of lads appeared on the seventh green as we approached the first so we decided to play the eighteenth instead. I almost made a par; just slightly misjudging the borrow and the ball just clipped the edge of the hole.

It was a really enjoyable evening; the weather was beautiful and we both played some good golf. The sun brightly illuminated the sliver of moon hanging low in the sky, and I was able to forget my troubles for a couple of hours.

 I’m still unemployed but I did apply for three jobs today. There was also a good piece of news; my car will be ready tomorrow. The garage is waiting on a part from Mercedes, which should arrive first thing in the morning. After fitting there will be a road test, so with any luck I’ll have the car back by lunchtime or just after.

Ironically, one of the jobs I’ve applied for comes with a company car; well it will be ironic if I get the job and have to flog the Merc.

I also may have solved the mystery of the man with the reinforced trousers I mentioned last time. Apparently a man was detained in the USA with 3 exotic snakes and 2 tortoises in his trousers. Now you would need them reinforced with that little lot in them. Maybe we unwittingly overheard the dastardly plot being discussed on Tuesday morning.

Yet again I fell asleep writing this; I hope reading it doesn’t have the same effect!

Mr Rickman, you ruined my diet!

We’ve been away for a few days.

The author Phil Rickman was launching his new book ‘The Secrets of Pain’ at Kentchurch Court in Herefordshire. Michelle is a huge fan and, we went to a previous launch in Herefordshire 2 years too.  Kentchurch is a 3 hour drive away, so we thought we’d turn it into a short break and booked ourselves into the Kilpeck Inn, surprisingly in the village of Kilpeck, only a few miles away from Kentchurch. 

We arrived early so we could have some lunch at The Bridge in Kentchurch.  It was just as well we arrived just as they opened or we would not have got in!  I advise booking in advance… The food was fantastic, especially the toffee fudge cheesecake! The diet disappeared out of the window, jumped into the river and was last seen heading towards Monmouth.

It was originally going to be an outdoor affair but rain and electric amplifiers don’t mix. As it turned out the weather was much improved by the start but it was too much to move everything back outside. This did cause a problem as it was held in a long corridor with a long set of steps at the end; at the top of which a band was set up to play some music. For those who haven’t read Phil’s Merrily series books (I’m afraid to say I’m one) there is a fictitious band featured called Hazey Jane II (2 in Roman numerals) and song titles are mentioned. These have been worked on by a folk band from Scotland and it is they who appear at the events; with Phil guesting on guitar and vocals. This was followed by tea and sandwiches and then Phil held a question and answer section. I said earlier I haven’t read his books, and certainly the songs went over my head, but Phil is a personable chap and very funny to talk to. I may have to start reading the books.

Kilpeck is reached from Kentchurch by narrow single track lanes. The scenery is stunning and the pub is in a beautiful setting. Michelle was impressed straight away, not only by the marvellous views, but also the conker trees next to the car park. On checking in we were taken to our room; there are only 4 at the inn and ours was the biggest. It was fantastic with a bed the size of Hampshire and a brilliant bathroom. The pub wasn’t serving food that night as they had a quiz, so Michelle had prepared some Slimming World stuff for us to counter the earlier calorie fest at The Bridge.

Once this had been polished off, we went into the bar and bagged ourselves a spot at the bar. All the tables in that part of the pub were taken and we didn’t want to sit in the restaurant part, well ok we were near the handpumps so that may have influenced our decision. The quiz consisted of 6 parts, including a picture and a music round. Considering we ran a music quiz at one point scoring 4 out of 10 on that round was a tad embarrassing. When the result was announced we had scored 47 out of 60 and finished second; the winners had scored 49 and if we hadn’t changed our mind on three questions we would have won and trousered £55! Still, it was jolly good fun and I knocked back far too much Butty Bach beer.

The next morning was beautiful. 

The excellent breakfast was served in the conservatory giving us some great views across the fields. We contrasted it with a certain guest house in York about 3 years ago; the owner had greeted a couple who turned up just before the end of service with a brusque “So you decided to join us then!”, and had then had a short conversation with a guest who wanted her eggs cooked differently to the way in which they had been served… He looked down his nose and suggested that he would do them his way and they could take it from there! The place was liberally dotted about with cameras and he even had a baby monitor in the breakfast room to see if we were talking about him! To paraphrase Tim Vine; It was a once in a lifetime experience. Never again!

Close by is the village of Garway; where there is a Knight’s Templar church. It took a bit of finding, but eventually we managed to get there and parked up. The church has been much altered over the years, the round Templar nave has been replaced with a rectangular one; however some remains of the original have been excavated in the churchyard. Michelle found the atmosphere in the church a bit oppressive so we explored the outside before deciding to head off to Ross-on-Wye for lunch. As we were leaving a lot of people from the previous day’s launch arrived and asked if we were staying for the guided tour, which we weren’t. (Phil has featured the church in one of his books)

Ross-on-Wye was a bit of a disappointment; we drove round but decided to go to Hereford instead. Here we had lunch and did some shopping before returning to Kilpeck.

Dinner had been booked for 8 o’clock. The restaurant was full when we were shown to our table, and we soon understood why when our food arrived. I can heartily recommend the pub and its restaurant; along with The Bridge at Kentchurch also. 

Once again we had a fine breakfast, but were somewhat concerned when we overheard a snippet of conversation between our fellow guests. ‘Are your trousers reinforced?’ said a lady to her husband at the next table. What could this mean?  What possible activity would he be engaged in which would require his trousers to be reinforced. Was it a hangover from beatings by the headmaster in his younger days? Was he expecting a sound thrashing from his wife? Maybe she wasn’t his wife and they had come away for that very purpose. I have no idea of his reply as I was desperately trying not to choke on a piece of bacon at the time. Whatever reason he needed for reinforcement of the trouser department I can only hope it was money well spent.

After checking out, we walked along to the church in the village. This was well worth the visit. It was built in the 12^th century; replacing an existing Saxon church. The style is the Herefordshire School of Sculpture; which combines Celtic, Anglo-Saxon, Scandinavian and French Romanesque forms. It is outstanding. The carving round the door is exquisite and the corbels (small carved forms on the outside under the guttering) are worth the trip on their own. Near the church are the remains of a Norman castle; Kilpeck was a thriving walled medieval town until devastated by the Black Death in 1349. Ironically, it was this that saved the church from being replaced by a grander affair, leaving us with a fine example of this style of architecture. Michelle took many pictures of the church and its surroundings which she is going to put on her blog; http://michellejonesmedia.blogspot.com . Please take some time to look at them, better still visit the church for yourself, just make sure you don’t go at the same time as us ‘cos you’re not having our room!

We’re back home now. Tomorrow I’ll find out how the car is doing and chase up the agencies. The weather is going to improve; Thursday will be nice and sunny so Ross and I will head off for some golf. I’m pretty sure Phil must have got the inspiration for his latest title from golf. It’s definitely painful and it’s a secret how to play it.

Manic Wednesday

Wednesday turned out to be a long day.

It started off in the usual manner; I took Michelle to work, but this time in my nice shiny Mercedes. I then came home, set up Michelle’s laptop and scales and then went for my fortnightly signing down the Old King Cole office. I think we’re supposed to say Jobcentre these days but that’s a little like newspeak in Orwell’s 1984; the Ministry of Truth, or the BBC as it’s now called.

I called into Asda for some shopping; mainly for Michelle’s slimming groups’ raffles and came home to sort out her crates. This didn’t leave a lot of time before going to fetch her from work. Once home, I put the crates and all her other paraphernalia in the car. Most of it went in the boot unlike the Peugeot. She swiftly got changed and we set off to her group; calling for one of her members on the way. During the drive down to Pompey my phone rang and Michelle answered it for me; it was the agency which had got me the interview last week, so she said I’d ring back as soon as we got to Pompey. I eagerly phoned back, but alas the news was not good; I had not got the job, they had given it to someone who fitted the role better. (Strangely, I saw the job re-advertised with same agency today, so much for the other guy then.)

After helping set up the hall I went home to cook the dinner for everyone. I discovered that the car is an interesting colour; ‘Mercedes Invisible Blue’, as there were several people who tried to occupy the same space as me. Dinner was duly cooked and eaten and I then set off to collect Michelle and Marion.

We had to drive to Havant to drop off Marion, but as we got to the top of the slipway off the motorway the car started juddering and lots of smoke came out from under the bonnet. We were very close to Marion’s house so I managed to get the car there, where we called out the AA.  I had a think about what had happened and concluded that, as the temperature had remained ok, the juddering meant one of the injectors had failed. The mechanic arrived relatively quickly, about 30 minutes, and had a look. Sure enough on of the injectors had popped out. He checked the bolt thread, which was ok and tried to refit it. Unfortunately, the bolt was having none of it and wouldn’t tighten. I tried starting the car but the injector just popped out again. The mechanic said he would call for a flatbed truck as, being an automatic, he couldn’t tow us home. He then departed and we started the wait for the flatbed.  After 30 minutes we phoned the AA for an update and were told the truck would be there at 11.30pm due to there being a lot of breakdowns that night. It was 9.45pm by then, so I called Ross to see if he could come and pick up Michelle while I waited for the truck.

I began my vigil and played golf on the phone. The next AA man turned up in a transit which had an extendable trolley in the back. He wasn’t sure this would work, but he tried to get the car on the trolley. Being a rear wheel drive automatic it meant that the car could be towed provided the rear wheels were lifted. It took half an hour to get his kit ready and then load the car. At this point he found he couldn’t close the back door of his van, as being an estate car the back of the car got in the way. 

By now it was nearly midnight and the flatbed, which was now being re-ordered, would arrive at about 1.25am. Deep Joy. I settled down to my phone golf and waited. Not for too long as it turned out. The flatbed arrived at about 12.45am and by 1.05am the car was back on our drive, where Matt helped me unload it. I could now go to bed.

Thursday morning I phoned the garage from where I bought the car, and they couldn’t have been more helpful. Being located 50 miles away meant towing it back wasn’t an option but the guy tried several other options before saying I should get it towed to my local garage for the repair and for them to bill him. He was embarrassed about the whole thing and couldn’t have been nicer or more helpful.  It’s good to see customer service still survives.

The car has now gone and will be looked at on Tuesday. We were hoping to go away in it this weekend but we will have to wait for another time. 

Michelle will have to use her car for work tomorrow, so Kev will have to pick me up in his car to go to see Pompey play Cardiff.

Hopefully the gods are now bored with tormenting me and help me find a job.